November 2019

This year has seen a 7% increase in child dispute applications being made to court, which can be stressful and damaging to children.  How parents manage and resolve conflict concerning their children is critical.  Communication is key to resolving problems and avoiding a stressful court case.  Often, people believe the court can deliver the undeliverable.  However, the court process struggles to alter parental behaviour – it is up to the parents to do that.  What can be useful is to get the parents to open up a discussion to see which elements benefit from the legal framework and which most benefit from other non-lawyer child-focused experts.  Important ways to protect children from stress during a bitter divorce battle are:

  1. Create a new co-parenting relationship.  Children benefit from seeing parents working together.  Most children will benefit from bite-size age-appropriate information about what is happening, rather than exposure to arguments and criticism by one parent of the other.

  2. Remember you are divorcing, but your children are not.  Always help children understand that you are parenting together by reminding them the parent they are not with loves them and wants them to feel safe.

  3. Put aside your feelings when the children are around.  Children are good at picking up on unspoken messages.  They will seek to take care of you if they think you cannot cope and that puts them in the wrong place in the family. 

  4. Let children know what is happening but do not make them choose between parents.  Children should not have to choose who they spend time with.  They should be guided to know both their parents love them and want the best for them.

  5. Have a round-table discussion.  Use a constructive process and use a solicitor with strong listening skills and experience in discursive practice.  Listen to the advice given so that the heat of emotions is not allowed to derail focus.  Focusing on what really matters long-term takes some discipline.

  6. Use your expert wisely to try court avoidance.  Deep-seated changes in behaviour and approach tend not to be achieved through taking the other person to court.  A judge cannot wave a magic wand to improve parenting skills. 

  7. Bring in appropriate experts where necessary.  If a court Order is not essential, work with a child specialist to improve parental communication, parental behaviour and the outcome for the children.  Your solicitor may only be part of the answer and can help you work with other professionals such as psychologists and counsellors.

  8. Think about how your child’s voice is heard.  Hearing from a child should be based on the child having space to express positively, rather than being placed under pressure.  It can be easy to merge what you think is best into the voice of the child.  Your solicitor can help in round table work to use appropriate child qualified experts to bring out the child’s voice. 

  9. Remember change is difficult for children.  If your child struggles with seeing the other parent, never jump to conclusions.  Change is difficult for children – get guidance on how to help them.

Georgie Hall

Head of Private Client

Expert
Georgie Hall
PARTNER, HEAD OF PERSONAL LAW , FAMILY LAW SOLICITOR, MEDIATOR AND COLLABORATIVE LAWYER